So why a blog? The short answer is funding. I am trying to do a three year silent retreat and I need money to do it. Why don't I have money? I did, I was working in New York in television and was signed with one of the biggest agents in the business. I was booking jobs and could have been making six figures a year with a bit of luck but I had to keep leaving New York to study, months at a time.
The program of Buddhist studies here at Diamond Mountain is rigorous, by the end it will be close to a Tibetan Geshe degree, a western equivalent being a PHD in religious studies. In the monastery this is close to twenty year program of study. So I have been busy, and it was getting harder and harder to serve two masters and I had to choose, my dharma studies or money. I chose the dharma studies. I had a feeling that the opportunity to learn from realized masters comes once in a life time. So here I am with an unrivaled Buddhist education, as good as and perhaps better than any monk might receive at a monastery, but that choice led to a lack of funds that I need to finalize my education, retreat.
So why retreat? Three years of silence and meditation sounds insane to the average person. Why would you do that? You are just running away from the world. Silent three years?
The point of retreat for me is to get to a level in my own mind that is subtle and profound. I am sick of petty jealousy and anger in my mind, it's like a child's mind. I miss the big picture so often. If a person was dying would I get upset if they left the toothpaste lid off?
We are all dying so how can my mind be so small and selfish. I want to stop that, it's crazy. I want to destroy those infantile directions my mind goes so easily and then teach others how to stop those things also. I can't teach what I have learned, really, except from a place of realization. I have had tiny glimpses of what retreat can do when I have done small retreats, a month at a time silent and meditating. The funny thing about a month retreat is the first ten days are spent settling my mind to a point that I can meditate deeply, getting rid of the sales jingles ringing in my head. “Carpet land, carpet land!” The next ten days are actually retreat and the last ten days are thinking about what I will do when I get out.
In a three year retreat that middle part gets extended. I think with a one year retreat I could get through on pure will power but for three years I would have to fundamentally change. I couldn't gut it out for three years. This retreat is a crucible and the only thing that will get me through it is compassion. To stay in retreat I will have to open my heart. I couldn't do it unless it was to serve others. I would just quit if it was for me alone. I would go watch movies and eat pizza. Why torture my self?
I am now living on campus and my days are spent doing water lines so retreatants can have water. I am in charge of road building so people can get building supplies to their sites. I help other people build their cabins all with the mind that serving others is the cause of me getting my own cabin.
I think it will work out. I am also doing video blogs which won't be so serious, they are right below this text blog. They might even be funny or informational!
Grant.
